"MEN DEY" (4).

As a society, we are too quick to tear people down for their opinions. We're too quick to marry a misconception to an entire race because of one person's actions. We're too quick to pass judgment, carry our cameras and tripods, and call out people's crap. Sometimes, we don't even wait to understand what a person is saying before we've decided what it means and who else deserves to be dragged alongside them.

I came across a reaction video to the famous "Men Dey" video where a man was advising other men not to get married because one woman had spoken about the kind of man she wanted and, from his interpretation of her response, how she seemed to be relinquishing accountability in a relationship.

And I couldn't help but wonder, are we being serious here?

Because somewhere along the line, we seem to have forgotten that this was one woman's opinion. One woman expressing her preferences, her expectations, and perhaps her own understanding of what a relationship should look like. Yet, somehow, we have managed to stretch that one opinion into a reason to drag church girls, women generally, and even the institution of marriage itself.

How did we get here?

Somebody shares a personal opinion, and instead of allowing it to remain what it is, a personal opinion, we turn it into a universal law. We take one person's experience and use it to explain the behaviour of millions of people who have never met her, have never shared her experiences, and may not even agree with her.

And honestly, I find that interesting.

If a man says he wants a woman who cooks, cleans, submits to him, and never questions his authority, do we immediately conclude that all men think this way? If a woman says she wants a man who will pay all her bills, fund her lifestyle, and take responsibility for every financial need she has, does that suddenly become the official position of all women?

Of course not. At least, it shouldn't.

People have different values, different expectations, and different ideas about relationships. Some of those ideas may be unrealistic, some may be incompatible with ours, and some may even be downright unreasonable. But the existence of an opinion doesn't automatically make it representative of an entire group.

And this is where accountability comes in.

That woman is entitled to her preferences, just as the man listening to her is entitled to decide that those preferences are not compatible with his own. She can choose the kind of relationship she wants, and he can choose not to participate in it. Neither of them has to be forced into the other's idea of love.

But she will also have to live with the consequences of her choices, just as he will have to live with the consequences of his.

If her expectations make it difficult for her to find a compatible partner, that is something she will have to navigate. If his reaction to one woman's opinion makes him swear off marriage altogether, that is a decision he will have to own too.

What I don't understand is why the rest of us have to become casualties of their individual choices.

Why should every woman have to defend herself against a man's decision not to marry because of something another woman said? Why should every man have to answer for the behaviour of another man? And why are we so comfortable allowing the actions or opinions of a few people to become the measuring stick for everyone else?

You see, there's a difference between holding people accountable for what they say and do and holding an entire group responsible for it. One requires discernment; the other often requires nothing more than a prejudice we were already willing to believe.

And social media makes it so easy to confuse the two. Give us a few seconds of someone's opinion, a controversial statement, and a comment section full of people who already agree with one another, and we'll build an entire theory about an entire gender before the day is over.

Dearest reader, we need to learn how to disagree with people without making them representatives of everyone who shares their gender, faith, race, or background.

You can disagree with a woman without dragging all women into it. You can disagree with a man without making him the spokesperson for all men. You can even recognise that someone's opinion is unreasonable without deciding that everyone who resembles them must be unreasonable too.

So, the next time you come across an opinion that makes you want to pick up your camera and tripod, biko, pause for a moment.

Ask yourself whether you're holding someone accountable for what they actually said or simply using their words as an excuse to condemn a whole group of people.

@favvy_Okwans🖤.