Favvy_Okwans🖤

Ladies and gentlemen, I went to church today. It has been almost a decade now, just exaggerating of course. But really, going to a new place and still figuring out where to fellowship has been my thing for a while, so everybody around me already calls me pagan. Well, God helped me today. I had a beautiful service. I hope you did too. *** There’s this one person on my contact list. He’s a friend. We share an interest in African literature and often recommend books to each other. Lately though, about 90 percent of his WhatsApp status posts have been about women and the terrible things women do. It has been very irritating. At first, I just skipped. I believe everyone has their own opinions and views. I was even considering blocking his status, but today I felt moved to ask him, “Why?” What have you been through? It was irritating, honestly. But I also believe people don’t just become things. Experiences shape people, and behind every front is trauma or something that made them that way. ...

I had a reality check today. Mehn. Story story! I charged my powerbank for the first time at a pay charge since I came to Benin. Back home, I frequented a pay charge close to my house. Based on how often I went there, I didn’t even need to bring my card or tag. If I forgot it at home, I could still take my powerbank. Everybody knew me. Familiar face.  So today, I went to pick up my powerbank and realized I forgot my card. I explained tire, no evidence. It was a strict "no tag no powerbank" rule. I had to walk back home. Tired, slightly embarrassed and fully humbled. And it hit me. Familiarity is not entitlement. Grace in one place does not automatically transfer to another. What works somewhere will not always work everywhere. Sometimes, you don’t lose access because you did something wrong, you lose it because rules are rules and this place does not know your history. It also reminded me that sometimes, we feel like systems will bend because they once did. Until one day, you...

  Do you know there is something called performance based love? And do you also realise that you can be loved simply for being yourself? Put a finger down if you once felt you had to deserve love and kindness. Put a finger down if when a stranger does something kind for you, something they did not have to do, you silently tear up. Put a finger down if the moment someone does something good for you, your mind rushes to how to reciprocate. Not always because you want to, but because you feel indebted. Like you did not deserve that kindness unless you earned it. Put a finger down if good things confuse you more than they excite you. Partly because you imagine the worst. Partly because you are always searching for ulterior motives. Put a finger down if you have loyalty down to a science. You give as much as you get. You love when you are loved. You feel obligated to love anyone who shows you kindness. Put a finger down if you always fall for the kinder person. If kindness is your only ...

“Yakubu manage. It will do like you want to die, you will not die.” Have you heard this meme recently? It is so hilarious eh. Sometimes I will just be on my own, mostly when I am struggling with something and starting to feel frustrated, and that sound will just play in my head. That is how I gather strength, because at the end of the day, I know I will get through whatever it is. I remember having a hard time with one recent thing I jumped on today. In the middle of my frustration, my boss called. I immediately broke down complaining. He just listened and nodded. When I was done, he casually told me how crazy his own day had been. I instantly stopped complaining and faced my stress. Because again, I will not die. It may feel like the end, but it is not. We still have a long ride ahead. You know that thing people say, that if everyone drops their problems on a table to exchange, once we see what others are carrying, we will quietly pick our own and walk away. Because it is not really s...

  “Don’t put yourself in a position where you are at the mercy of someone else’s intention and they don’t have the capacity to do right by you” ~ Eric Gugua. We often cling to intention because it sounds good. It feels safe to hear someone say they mean well, that they care, that they would never intentionally hurt you.  But intention without capacity is a quiet danger. You can be loved by someone who still does not have the emotional, mental, or practical ability to show up rightly for you. Good intentions do not cancel incompetence, they do not heal repeated damage, they do not make inconsistency okay. When someone lacks the capacity to do right by you, their intentions become irrelevant to your wellbeing. At some point, staying becomes self betrayal. Choosing distance is not wickedness, it is self preservation. You are not asking for too much by wanting alignment between what is said and what can actually be sustained. Dearest reader, in the words of Eric Gugua, “Any intent...

  Recently, my roommate and I decided to test one rule from Atomic Habits by James Clear, and honestly, I am still shocked, I knew this rule theoretically, because yay I've read the book. So I have this thing for glasses, an obsession even, recently it had become a part of my aesthetic. To the point that I hardly stepped out without wearing one. It felt natural, almost compulsory. But then we took a closer look. My glasses lived on my dressing drawer. Right there. Every single day. As I reached for my perfume, there they were, sitting pretty, staring at me. So I wore them. Not because I deeply loved glasses(I like them a lot though) but because they were there. Convenient, accessible, in my face. My roommate saw this and said, let us test something. She packed all my glasses into a box and kept them out of sight.  Ladies and gentlemen. I have not worn glasses in a week or so. Like guyyy. That was when it clicked. James Clear talks about cue induced craving. The idea that habit...