.

Have you ever felt so powerless? Like you're in a situation you shouldn't be in, and you can't seem to do anything about it.

Like a “my hands are tied” kind of scenario, but not physically. You're free, but you're not, you're indebted, you're going around carrying invisible chains of expectations and obligations around your neck.

You want to leave, but you can't, you want to say no, but you feel like you owe them a yes, you want to make a decision for yourself, but then you remember everything they've done for you, everything they've sacrificed, and suddenly your freedom feels like something you have to earn.

And the thing is, sometimes nobody is even holding you there. You're the one holding yourself there.

Not because you don't know what you want, but because you know what choosing yourself might cost you.

You know the disappointment it might bring. The questions, the “after all I've done for you?” The feeling that you're being ungrateful for wanting something different from what was expected of you.

So you stay. You stay in the situation, in the relationship, in the obligation, in the version of yourself that everybody is comfortable with.

And you tell yourself, “It's not that bad.”

But sometimes, it's not even about whether it's bad, sometimes, it's about knowing that you don't want to be there anymore and still feeling like you don't have the right to leave.

I think that's one of the hardest things about growing up. Realising that you can be grateful for what someone has done for you and still not want the life they expect you to live.

That you can appreciate a sacrifice and still not owe someone your entire future, because mosttimes, the chains aren't made of force, they're made of guilt.

And guilt can be a very convincing thing, and maybe that's why we need to ask ourselves sometimes:

Am I staying because I want to, or because I feel like I have to? Because those two things can look very similar from the outside.

But they feel very different when you're the one living them.

And if you're reading this and you feel like your hands are tied, I hope you remember that you don't have to figure everything out today. You don't have to make one big, dramatic decision to prove that you're free.

Sometimes, it starts with something as small as admitting to yourself, “I don't want this anymore.”

And maybe, for now, that's enough.

Dearest reader, I hope you never become so used to carrying invisible chains that you forget what it feels like to be you, again.

@favvy_Okwans🖤